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.It was important for couples to choose from their ownlist because what s exciting to you might be dreary and dull to me.Othercouples were in the no-intervention group and told to do what theynormally do for 10 weeks.What these scientists found is that simply spending time together isnot enough to enhance the quality of a relationship and that doing excit-ing things together is more valuable than doing pleasant and relaxingthings together.Couples doing more exciting activities experienced a The Rewards of Relationships 159greater increase in marital satisfaction over the 10 weeks compared withcouples who injected more pleasant events into their lives or those whostuck with their usual routines.The findings are profound because afteronly 10 weeks, couples viewed their 10-, 20-, and even 30-year relation-ships differently, and when excitement was added to the mix, they foundthem to be more satisfying.To determine exactly why taking part in exciting activities was linkedto greater relationship satisfaction, researchers asked 112 couples who hadbeen together for an average of 6 years to answer questions about theirrelationships such as How bored are you in your relationship? and Howexciting are the things you do in your relationship? Couples doing agreater number of exciting activities viewed their relationship as moresatisfying.Their exciting activities disrupted the day-to-day monotonythat can creep into any relationship.As a rigorous test of whether novel and exciting activities can demol-ish relationship boredom, we can look at what happened when the re-search couples were sequestered in a laboratory to study the role of thesenew activities.With this approach, researchers controlled the situation tomake sure that all the couples engaged in the same novel, exciting activity(to rule out the idea that some couples just do cooler things).One series of studies involved dozens of couples who were togetherfor at least one year.Some couples took part in a seven-minute novel,shared task.With their wrists and ankles tied together, they were in-structed to drag their tangled web of limbs from one side of a soft, foamyroom to the other side.A huge pyramid of rolled yoga mats was piledacross the middle of the room, and their only option was to climb over it.As if this wasn t hard enough, without using their hands, they had tocarry a foam cylinder with them to the other side of the room.At the end of the task, couples said it was extremely bizarre.Ofcourse, you would be leading a pretty unusual life if you claimed other-wise.The other group of couples spent seven minutes taking turnscrawling to the pyramid of mats and returning, back and forth, until timeran out.They did the task together as a couple but without the addedexcitement of being tied together, having to climb over the pyramid, or 160 Curious?carry the cylinder.Basically, they took turns crawling on a mat (howexciting!).While we might expect couples doing the novel task to feel better in themoment, an interesting thing happened.They didn t just feel good.Theyactually viewed their relationship differently than couples doing the mun-dane task.Couples viewed their long-standing relationships as more satis-fying after a mere seven minutes of doing a unique activity together.Theshared positive feelings carried over to how the partners viewed their en-tire relationship, seeing it as more rewarding, satisfying, and meaningful.No such relationship improvements were found for those doing thedull activity together.In fact, many of the couples viewed their relation-ship as less satisfying after the dull activity.That s important.If you fail tofill your free time with interesting activities, boredom and dullness spillover into how you judge your partner and relationship.For this reason,I encourage you to re-read Chapter 4 to incorporate techniques for trig-gering interest in the moments of your life.What this new science of curiosity can teach you is that these growthopportunities are available for the taking.Focus on them, share the expe-riences with others, and make sure they stick in your memory (activatethat hippocampus!).These growth opportunities do more than keep rela-tionships intact; they keep them energetic and alive.Another group of therapists working with couples realized that wait-ing for relationships to fail was a failed approach to enhancing marriagesand intimate relationships.They started working with healthy coupleswho had no psychological problems to teach them the techniques ofmindfulness therapy.Without going into too much detail, mindfulnesstherapies teach couples to be open and curious about their thoughts andfeelings, to work with negative feelings (instead of trying to avoid oreliminate them), and to live in a way aligned with core values (see Chap-ter 5).Other skills include cultivating self-compassion and compassion forothers, and learning yoga and touching exercises to bring couples intocalm, loving synchronicity.Several clinical trials were conducted to see if mindfulness therapy forcouples worked, and so far, the verdict is good.The couples studied were The Rewards of Relationships 161more satisfied with their relationships.As to why it worked, the interven-tion pushed couples to participate in novel and interesting things togetherand appreciate qualities about their partners and their relationships thatthey had previously overlooked.For a relationship to thrive, we need toensure that flexibility is built into our scripts
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