John Leguizamo Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends (2006)

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.At least I think that s what he said.Because even though he wasdoing his best Brooklyn accent on-camera, the rest of the time hespoke in his normal Cockney.Cockney is a foreign language to me.Itisn t even English.After a while, Annabel and Rocky turned a lot of the crew againstthem.One day, Rocky s looking at all the extras on the set and he snot happy. Bloody geezer! Me Jerry Springer s coals n coke!94 JOHN LEGUIZAMO* These costumes are too pristine, he says. They look horrible.Ican t believe it.And he grabs a coffee and pours it all over one of the extras.Theextra s in a rubber mask, but it s not sealed at the neck, so hot cof-fee pours through and burns him.The guy s screaming, and Rockyshrugs, Oh well, he s just an extra.The crew was aghast.They made T-shirts with all the kinds of dis-missive comments the directors made.People wore them on the set.Evidently Rocky and Annabel weren t having such a good timeeither.To the best of my knowledge, they ve never made anothercommercial feature film.Bob Hoskins, on the other hand, was great to work with.ThankGod I had him around to drink with. John, so sorry about these Brits, he said to me one day. Not allEnglish people are like them.He s a cunt and she s a cow.Care for amild sensation?I followed him to his trailer and stood in the doorway, wonderingwhat the hell a mild sensation was.He filled two shot glasses withscotch and handed one to me. Well then, he toasted, lifting his, past the heath and out yerKhyber. Could you repeat that in English? I said.He sighed. Past your teeth and out your Khyber Pass.Your ass.Gor, you re a right berk, aren t ya? Um, if you say so, I shrugged.He was always doing that, talking that Cockney rhyming slang.After a while I figured out that a mild sensation meant libation. Inever did figure out what a berk is, but I decided I was insulted.Bob and I had a lot of mild sensations on that set.Those Brits candrink especially the Cockneys.We d have a shot together at lunch.Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 95*And after lunch.And before lunch.And later in the afternoon.Andhe s babbling his Cockney gibberish at me, and I m getting totallyfucked up.But Bob is a stud.We d do all that drinking, then it d be time toshoot a scene and he d say, Come on, John, let s hurry up before Iforget what it is I do for a living.I m not getting any younger.Grabyour cobblers, me old china, time to scarper.And I m like, Uh, right.Let s scarper.And I follow him out of the trailer, weaving and bumping intothings.We had a big stunt to shoot.Never let an actor do his ownstunts.Especially if he s been having mild sensations all day.So I m driving the Mario Brothers van.I m trying to be cool andstudly like Bob, but I m wasted.Bob is standing by the sliding doorlooking very virile. Come on, Luigi! he says. Koopa s getting away!And I step on the gas, hard.The van shoots forward.Then I stepon the brake, hard.The van practically tips over.Bob grabs the doorframe to keep from pitching out of the thing.And as he does, thesliding door slams shut on his hand.And breaks his finger.Ooo, was he pissed. Shit shit shit! Fucking wanker! Oh my God, I m sorry.He goes into a kind of Cockney Tourettes. Cunt fuck piss dick cunt! Bloody geezer! Me Jerry Springer scoals n coke!I m not sure what that means, but I m begging him for forgive-ness anyway. I m so sorry, man.This movie already sucks, and nowI go and break your hand! It s not your fault, china, he winces. Fucking shit cunt piss bol-locksy bloody hell.At least I didn t kill him.96 JOHN LEGUIZAMO*If you ever watch that movie not that I m advocating that inthe last scene you ll see one of his hands is weirdly stiff.It s a cast.They painted it pink to look like a hand.That shoot seemed to take forever.It was in Wilmington, NorthCarolina.Nice enough place to visit, I guess, but unless you re a realdown-with-the-rich, pro-life Republican cracker, you wouldn t wantto spend five months there.But at least there was Samantha.AndBob.And Bob s scotch.Oh man that movie sucks.And I suck in it.But I don t just blamemyself.Every director should try acting, just as every judge shouldspend some weeks in jail, to find out what he s handing out toothers.I got terrible reviews.One was so bad I got the critic s numberand called him up. I m in the smallest room in my house, I hissed into the phone. I got your review in front of me.Soon it s gonna be behind me.Ask any actors what they think about critics.It s like asking alamppost what he thinks about dogs.Then again, I have eight-year-olds all the time tell me, I loveLuigi! At least it found some audience.One place everyone thought Super Mario Brothers would have abuilt-in audience was Japan.The game was created there.Young peo-ple in Japan are so into computer games, computer anything, thatit seemed a natural.The studio flew me, Bob Hoskins, and DennisHopper to Tokyo for the premiere.We pulled up in front of the the-ater in our limo, and damn if there weren t hundreds of people mill-ing around outside, and TV camera crews and photographers andeverything.I was ecstatic. Look guys, we re a hit in Japan!Dennis and Bob were more professional and blas�.Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 97* One for the road, Dennis? Bob said, reaching for the minibar,which we d already significantly depleted of its stock. Don t mind if I do, Bob.So we had one more mild sensation, and then stepped out, steel-ing ourselves for the mad crush of fans.But no one rushed us.No autograph hounds, no flashbulbs blind-ing us, no microphones stuck in our faces [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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